Not Growing Old

I have maintained, for quite some time now, that I am not going to die.

I just don't want to.  There's too much to do, too much to see, too much promise looming on the horizon of what the world could offer if we just give it a little bit longer.

That said, this also means I can't grow old - I cannot be like  Eos's husband Tithonus who continued to age and grow smaller until he became a chirping cricket.  In order to enjoy the bubbling, bright future I need a body capable of enduring all it presents to me.  My legs must be hale to move me about, my arms must function so that I can bring things in to hold close, I must bend with my lover, I must stand firm against attack, I must persist with beauty and grace, in form as well as spirit.

At the same time, however, I am not preoccupied with youth.  The women on my mother's side of the family have a gift for ripening in their middle years.  I learned this when I was still a teenager, looking at pictures of my grandmother in her early twenties compared to one of her at thirty-eight.  She was a pretty, round-faced woman in her early twenties, but she was stunning at thirty-eight.  Her face has lost its' youthful roundness and was defined, and she held herself with far less awkwardness.  My mother matured in much the same way, though I did see her lose some of her vivacity when life rather unceremoniously dumped enough strain to break others on her shoulders.  That said, she is still a beautiful woman.  So with this in mind, I am looking forward to aging a few more years.

After I have reached that point which I have seen in the generations before me, I'm stopping.  No more aging, no dying, no growing old.  I'm just not going to do it.  I can be hopelessly stubborn at times, and I'm counting on that to be an asset to me for once.  There is so much in this world!  It is so full of marvels and horrors and adventures and a normal lifetime is not enough to experience it all.

On a closing note - I do not like to speak to parties directly when journal-ing, but I feel I must.  My love - I hope you understand what I'm saying when I tell you I want to not grow old with you.

- Sway

The time of the Blood Moon

I beg your pardon, gentle reader. I promised more and have delivered so little. Well, time we improved things then.

I will admit that I haven't been feeling quite my best lately. I cam into my moon time a little late this cycle, and as such it is wreaking unholy vengeance on me for daring to allow the stress and tension I was carrying from moving and school starting to hold it back. I have muscle aches from my mid back down into my upper thighs, as I have had all day, and I feel vaguely like I've been run over. Even the dulcet tones of Jack Skellington singing in the background doesn't seem to be cheering me. A dismal day indeed.

Does anyone else recall the days of Health Class when they're going over the human body and reproductive cycles, and they tell you brightly and cheerfully that a woman's period should only run 3 - 5 days, and that anything more severe than "mild discomfort from abdominal cramping" is unusual? Has anyone else longed for one of these text book periods? Why are we continuing to lie to our daughters about what they will go through? It's outrageous, really.

Well, enough about that. I'm off to make a cup of tea and see if we have any decent chocolate hiding in the pantry. And take another muscle relaxant. I haven't had a day like this in some time.

Bringing inner beauty to the surface

So when I ventured out this morning to escort my son to the bus stop, I noticed the distinct tang of brine in the air. I am, for the first time in my life, living close enough to the sea that I can smell it. That makes me smile.

But that's not actually what I wish to discuss with you today. Not long ago I was talking with a woman whom I'm coming to be more and more fond of. We were discussing appearance, and self-image. She told me that a while back when she was really having issues with how she looked she came across an article in a magazine. She can't remember which celebrity said it, but there was a quote off to one side - If I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "Yeah, I'd fuck that" then I don't leave the house.

This particular phrase really struck a chord for her, even though there are people in her life who thought that was a horrible philosophy. I suspect that this is because it is very much in opposition to the you're-fine-the-way-you-are mantra that is being so heavily embraced in certain communities these days. But I digress.

This phrase strikes a chord in myself as well. I whine a little too often about how I don't measure up to common standards of beauty, particularly my own. Yet, despite my dissatisfaction, I don't seem to be doing an awful lot about it. I'm not just talking about working out and getting back into shape. While this most certainly needs to be done, I'm not going to hide away until I'm a size 12.

"You're not a 12?"
"No, I'm not, stop being distracting."

I don't put enough into my appearance. Most days I don't care enough to, and that bothers me. Let's face it - what begins as just not wanting to take the time to see to it ends with staring at the other women around me and wondering why I don't look like them. Well, it's in part because I didn't take the extra five minutes to apply foundation before leaving the house.

Now, I'm not saying I'll become one of those women that get up an hour early to do their hair and make-up. I will never be that woman. I'm not that woman even when I'm getting ready to go out - the only reason it takes me an hour to put my face on is because no one ever leaves me alone long enough to get it done. Uninterrupted, I can be ready for the club in fifteen minutes. But it wouldn't kill me to get up an extra ten minutes early, or maybe even lay my clothes out the night before so that if I insist on sleeping longer it will be easier for me to put myself together in the morning.

The challenge that now remains is actually going through with any of these bright ideas. Something needs to be done, though - I'm sick and tired of constantly feeling "unadorned".