A pioneer naive enough to believe this...

Due to an intriguing combination of being a couple years older than most of my friends and being the reckless and somewhat headstrong woman that I am, I have often been the first to do things.  From having sex to going to college to having children, it was me first.  Even with more simple things like hobbies and general interests.  I have had somewhat of a pioneering spirit, and perfectly willing to drag people into activities even if they weren't sure they would like it.

Unfortunately, this has had some uncomfortable side affects as well.  Being the first person to try something meant that my friends had no idea how to react to my actions.  I was who they learned with.  This benefited everyone who came after in a given activity, but not me.   When I went away to college, no one was real sure how to respond.  I wasn't visited until well into the second semester of my freshman year.  Everyone seemed surprised that I wanted to make plans with them when I came home for breaks.  There was a lot of anger and missed connections that simply were a matter of people not thinking.  When the next on the list scampered off to school, these hiccups had been overcome, and we'd learned from our mistakes how to communicate with each other and avoid unintentional insult.

When I became pregnant, I was still pretty young (just shy of twenty), and no one knew how to handle it.  People pulled away from me - hell, my male friends stopped hugging me because they were so weirded out by the concept.  Ironically, this strange abandonment contributed in ways to me marrying the father of my child, even when I knew deep in the back in my mind it was a bad idea.  Yet he was offering to be there for me when everyone else I loved was turning away just because this concept was too uncomfortable, too new, and they weren't ready for it.  This is perhaps why it hurt (and continues to hurt) all the more to see them be so easy and accepting with other people's children.  They worked through the strangeness with me, which is good, but it also fueled bitter anger when no one else was ostracized the way I had been. 

I could go on, but it's going to make me sound more bitter than I actually am.  Yes, I do still get sad when I think about some of these things.  Depending on the incident I even get angry.  I have never been very good about my expression of anger, and as such I have lingering bitterness on a number of issues.  It isn't all consuming, and most days I don't even think about it.  Truth be told, this strange trip down memory lane is inspired by the fact that an acquaintance is going through some similar challenges. 

I think, in closing, I wish that my firsts had been met with more celebration, or at the very least more understanding.  In the end I suppose I'll just have to content myself with shaking my head and feeling vaguely superior for having done all of these things before they were "popular".

Not Growing Old

I have maintained, for quite some time now, that I am not going to die.

I just don't want to.  There's too much to do, too much to see, too much promise looming on the horizon of what the world could offer if we just give it a little bit longer.

That said, this also means I can't grow old - I cannot be like  Eos's husband Tithonus who continued to age and grow smaller until he became a chirping cricket.  In order to enjoy the bubbling, bright future I need a body capable of enduring all it presents to me.  My legs must be hale to move me about, my arms must function so that I can bring things in to hold close, I must bend with my lover, I must stand firm against attack, I must persist with beauty and grace, in form as well as spirit.

At the same time, however, I am not preoccupied with youth.  The women on my mother's side of the family have a gift for ripening in their middle years.  I learned this when I was still a teenager, looking at pictures of my grandmother in her early twenties compared to one of her at thirty-eight.  She was a pretty, round-faced woman in her early twenties, but she was stunning at thirty-eight.  Her face has lost its' youthful roundness and was defined, and she held herself with far less awkwardness.  My mother matured in much the same way, though I did see her lose some of her vivacity when life rather unceremoniously dumped enough strain to break others on her shoulders.  That said, she is still a beautiful woman.  So with this in mind, I am looking forward to aging a few more years.

After I have reached that point which I have seen in the generations before me, I'm stopping.  No more aging, no dying, no growing old.  I'm just not going to do it.  I can be hopelessly stubborn at times, and I'm counting on that to be an asset to me for once.  There is so much in this world!  It is so full of marvels and horrors and adventures and a normal lifetime is not enough to experience it all.

On a closing note - I do not like to speak to parties directly when journal-ing, but I feel I must.  My love - I hope you understand what I'm saying when I tell you I want to not grow old with you.

- Sway

The importance of Consistency

Good morning, kittens. At least, I hope it is a good morning for you all.

This morning, like every morning, I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed and not only get myself dressed but also get my son dressed and ready for school, and then out the door to his bus. He catches the bus right up the alley from our place. It's fairly convenient.

Like every morning, I walked him to the bus, told him I loved him, and stood there waiting until the bus pulled away. Like every morning, I waved as the bus pulled away, and he didn't look in my direction. He pretty much never looks in my direction - he sits on the opposite side of the bus and tends to look out the window. However, I'll keep waving. Because I know the day I decide not to bother will be the day that he looks, and is crushed because Mama didn't wave.

Raising children is like that. You have to be consistent. You have to keep doing things even when you don't see the point, even if it feels like a waste of time, even if you feel horribly unappreciated. Because the moment you stop, they'll notice, and be devastated. Consistency is also good because it proves to them they can rely on you, and they can trust you. And if you ask me, there are few things that need to be guarded more carefully than a child's trust.

Location, location, location...

Good morning, kittens. It's another presumably glorious day - I say presumably because it's very early and the day hasn't actually dawned yet. Or at least not enough for me to tell whether or not the day will be glorious.

I have been back in Washington for going on three days now. It has taken me some time to adjust to being here again - my head is still very much in Colorado. It seems that two weeks simply was not a long enough trip to visit with everyone and feel like I'd had my fill. I rather eagerly look forward to going back in the summer.

It did occur to me, however, that it seems I enjoy these people more now than I did when I lived there. This is very likely due to absence making the heart grow fonder, but I don't think that's all of it. I think it's also because I'm happier. I wasn't capable of admiring these wonderful creatures in my life because I was so mired down in worry, exhaustion, and fear. I had to leave everyone I cared about behind in order to realize just how much I cared about them. That, my darlings, is what you call "ironic".

So now I sit here on the edge of the country, in the opposite corner of the map from where I spent my childhood, and I look at not only how much distance I've traveled, but reflect on how much I've changed while doing so. And also on how much I've stayed the same.

And to those who sit missing me, know that I love you. With all my heart I love you. And I will see you in the summer.

Motivate me

Happy New Year my freakish darlings.

I'm quite sorry to say that I've been most naughty when it comes to updating this blog. Shame on me. I will endeavor to do better in this shiny and untouched year that is stretching out before us. I will endeavor to do many things better. I feel tingly and full of promise. Which is interesting, because that's not a feeling I usually have at the New Year. I usually sit here going "well, here we go, second verse same as the first".

Now surely this is where you would want to ask me about my resolutions, but I do not believe in New Years resolutions. I do, however, have some goals, a couple are particularly long term, and because of my giving and generous nature I will share them with you.

My first goal, and perhaps my most long term, is 50 pounds in 5 years. By the time I am 35 I want to be in the best shape I've been in for the whole of my adult life. This includes, amongst other things, losing ten pounds a year for the next five years. Why only ten pounds you ask? Because I intend to replace a lot of my weight with muscle. I need to be stronger. If for no other reason than because I don't know how much longer Corwyn will need someone capable of physically restraining him. He's getting bigger and stronger every day, and if he really fought me I probably couldn't hold him.

My second goal is to come up with a way of bringing in extra income while still taking advantage of this time I have to help the children towards independence. I can't hold down a conventional job at this time because of the kids' conflicting school schedules, but we need more income. I have a handful of ideas. I need to begin implementing them. If I can do that, and we can stop worrying so much about income, then I can use this opportunity to restructure things at home and make the most out of this time where Corwyn is concerned.

My third goal (and it applies to the first two, so maybe I should adjust goal order) is to set myself to a schedule every day. Just a list of things to do which I can check off through the day. I accomplish more if I'm kept on task.

My final goal is to take the me that lives in the corner of my mind and shove her out into the light a little more often. You'll know her when you encounter her. She's utterly fabulous.

And that's all for now, kittens. Be good to yourselves, and to somebody else.