Oh, look, a blog! And I do believe it's mine! Excuse me while I knock the five inches of dust off my soap box here.
So then. I suppose I should have something update-ish on here about what I've been doing with my life, etc, but I don't feel like it. Not today, at least. We've entered into the time of year in Washington where the weather starts to get to me, and relief isn't due to present itself until April. As such, I'm a trifle crabby. So today I'm going to vent about something.
It seems that a number of my friends and associates in the past four to six months have been blessed with opportunities to work on various projects. This is good. My issue, is that I have been trying to work on projects of similar nature to these people, with no success. I'll give you an example of what I mean.
A friend of mine and I have been working on a comic for a while now. We have 20+ scripts written out, several already drawn and inked, and I've got the website more than half finished. We need more finished comics before the website launches if we hope to maintain any consistency. Fine and good, I'm not in a rush, it'll happen. Where the twitching comes in is that this same friend is drawing another comic, which she started on far more recently that the one she and I have collaborated on, and it's already online. With several regular updates at that.
Now this is due almost entirely to the fact that I moved and the other author still lives in the same town as my friend and can harass her to work on things, etc. Plus, it's easier to have energy for projects if the people you're working with are around to encourage you. Knowing this does not stop me from being a trifle angsty on the subject.
The other situations are all of a similar ilk. I'm happy for my friends, I'm glad they have success, I'm just a little envious of it. Why can't I have success? Why can't any of these things I've put time and energy and my soul into work for me? Why is it just being at the right place at the right time counts for so much more than effort ever will?
And I think that's enough crabbiness for right now. I will go scuttle sideways into the kitchen and make some tea. Tea improves all things.
Showing posts with label Heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heart. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A pioneer naive enough to believe this...
Due to an intriguing combination of being a couple years older than most of my friends and being the reckless and somewhat headstrong woman that I am, I have often been the first to do things. From having sex to going to college to having children, it was me first. Even with more simple things like hobbies and general interests. I have had somewhat of a pioneering spirit, and perfectly willing to drag people into activities even if they weren't sure they would like it.
Unfortunately, this has had some uncomfortable side affects as well. Being the first person to try something meant that my friends had no idea how to react to my actions. I was who they learned with. This benefited everyone who came after in a given activity, but not me. When I went away to college, no one was real sure how to respond. I wasn't visited until well into the second semester of my freshman year. Everyone seemed surprised that I wanted to make plans with them when I came home for breaks. There was a lot of anger and missed connections that simply were a matter of people not thinking. When the next on the list scampered off to school, these hiccups had been overcome, and we'd learned from our mistakes how to communicate with each other and avoid unintentional insult.
When I became pregnant, I was still pretty young (just shy of twenty), and no one knew how to handle it. People pulled away from me - hell, my male friends stopped hugging me because they were so weirded out by the concept. Ironically, this strange abandonment contributed in ways to me marrying the father of my child, even when I knew deep in the back in my mind it was a bad idea. Yet he was offering to be there for me when everyone else I loved was turning away just because this concept was too uncomfortable, too new, and they weren't ready for it. This is perhaps why it hurt (and continues to hurt) all the more to see them be so easy and accepting with other people's children. They worked through the strangeness with me, which is good, but it also fueled bitter anger when no one else was ostracized the way I had been.
I could go on, but it's going to make me sound more bitter than I actually am. Yes, I do still get sad when I think about some of these things. Depending on the incident I even get angry. I have never been very good about my expression of anger, and as such I have lingering bitterness on a number of issues. It isn't all consuming, and most days I don't even think about it. Truth be told, this strange trip down memory lane is inspired by the fact that an acquaintance is going through some similar challenges.
I think, in closing, I wish that my firsts had been met with more celebration, or at the very least more understanding. In the end I suppose I'll just have to content myself with shaking my head and feeling vaguely superior for having done all of these things before they were "popular".
Unfortunately, this has had some uncomfortable side affects as well. Being the first person to try something meant that my friends had no idea how to react to my actions. I was who they learned with. This benefited everyone who came after in a given activity, but not me. When I went away to college, no one was real sure how to respond. I wasn't visited until well into the second semester of my freshman year. Everyone seemed surprised that I wanted to make plans with them when I came home for breaks. There was a lot of anger and missed connections that simply were a matter of people not thinking. When the next on the list scampered off to school, these hiccups had been overcome, and we'd learned from our mistakes how to communicate with each other and avoid unintentional insult.
When I became pregnant, I was still pretty young (just shy of twenty), and no one knew how to handle it. People pulled away from me - hell, my male friends stopped hugging me because they were so weirded out by the concept. Ironically, this strange abandonment contributed in ways to me marrying the father of my child, even when I knew deep in the back in my mind it was a bad idea. Yet he was offering to be there for me when everyone else I loved was turning away just because this concept was too uncomfortable, too new, and they weren't ready for it. This is perhaps why it hurt (and continues to hurt) all the more to see them be so easy and accepting with other people's children. They worked through the strangeness with me, which is good, but it also fueled bitter anger when no one else was ostracized the way I had been.
I could go on, but it's going to make me sound more bitter than I actually am. Yes, I do still get sad when I think about some of these things. Depending on the incident I even get angry. I have never been very good about my expression of anger, and as such I have lingering bitterness on a number of issues. It isn't all consuming, and most days I don't even think about it. Truth be told, this strange trip down memory lane is inspired by the fact that an acquaintance is going through some similar challenges.
I think, in closing, I wish that my firsts had been met with more celebration, or at the very least more understanding. In the end I suppose I'll just have to content myself with shaking my head and feeling vaguely superior for having done all of these things before they were "popular".
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Location, location, location...
Good morning, kittens. It's another presumably glorious day - I say presumably because it's very early and the day hasn't actually dawned yet. Or at least not enough for me to tell whether or not the day will be glorious.
I have been back in Washington for going on three days now. It has taken me some time to adjust to being here again - my head is still very much in Colorado. It seems that two weeks simply was not a long enough trip to visit with everyone and feel like I'd had my fill. I rather eagerly look forward to going back in the summer.
It did occur to me, however, that it seems I enjoy these people more now than I did when I lived there. This is very likely due to absence making the heart grow fonder, but I don't think that's all of it. I think it's also because I'm happier. I wasn't capable of admiring these wonderful creatures in my life because I was so mired down in worry, exhaustion, and fear. I had to leave everyone I cared about behind in order to realize just how much I cared about them. That, my darlings, is what you call "ironic".
So now I sit here on the edge of the country, in the opposite corner of the map from where I spent my childhood, and I look at not only how much distance I've traveled, but reflect on how much I've changed while doing so. And also on how much I've stayed the same.
And to those who sit missing me, know that I love you. With all my heart I love you. And I will see you in the summer.
I have been back in Washington for going on three days now. It has taken me some time to adjust to being here again - my head is still very much in Colorado. It seems that two weeks simply was not a long enough trip to visit with everyone and feel like I'd had my fill. I rather eagerly look forward to going back in the summer.
It did occur to me, however, that it seems I enjoy these people more now than I did when I lived there. This is very likely due to absence making the heart grow fonder, but I don't think that's all of it. I think it's also because I'm happier. I wasn't capable of admiring these wonderful creatures in my life because I was so mired down in worry, exhaustion, and fear. I had to leave everyone I cared about behind in order to realize just how much I cared about them. That, my darlings, is what you call "ironic".
So now I sit here on the edge of the country, in the opposite corner of the map from where I spent my childhood, and I look at not only how much distance I've traveled, but reflect on how much I've changed while doing so. And also on how much I've stayed the same.
And to those who sit missing me, know that I love you. With all my heart I love you. And I will see you in the summer.
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