Not Growing Old

I have maintained, for quite some time now, that I am not going to die.

I just don't want to.  There's too much to do, too much to see, too much promise looming on the horizon of what the world could offer if we just give it a little bit longer.

That said, this also means I can't grow old - I cannot be like  Eos's husband Tithonus who continued to age and grow smaller until he became a chirping cricket.  In order to enjoy the bubbling, bright future I need a body capable of enduring all it presents to me.  My legs must be hale to move me about, my arms must function so that I can bring things in to hold close, I must bend with my lover, I must stand firm against attack, I must persist with beauty and grace, in form as well as spirit.

At the same time, however, I am not preoccupied with youth.  The women on my mother's side of the family have a gift for ripening in their middle years.  I learned this when I was still a teenager, looking at pictures of my grandmother in her early twenties compared to one of her at thirty-eight.  She was a pretty, round-faced woman in her early twenties, but she was stunning at thirty-eight.  Her face has lost its' youthful roundness and was defined, and she held herself with far less awkwardness.  My mother matured in much the same way, though I did see her lose some of her vivacity when life rather unceremoniously dumped enough strain to break others on her shoulders.  That said, she is still a beautiful woman.  So with this in mind, I am looking forward to aging a few more years.

After I have reached that point which I have seen in the generations before me, I'm stopping.  No more aging, no dying, no growing old.  I'm just not going to do it.  I can be hopelessly stubborn at times, and I'm counting on that to be an asset to me for once.  There is so much in this world!  It is so full of marvels and horrors and adventures and a normal lifetime is not enough to experience it all.

On a closing note - I do not like to speak to parties directly when journal-ing, but I feel I must.  My love - I hope you understand what I'm saying when I tell you I want to not grow old with you.

- Sway